It’s time for year-end reviews of Dog and Cat.
Cat
Cat’s Duties and Accomplishments for 2008
Cat takes his job of lap-warmer very seriously, to the point that Management is thinking of re-working his job description to specify that lap-warming is only required on days in which the outside temperature falls below 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Some of Cat’s other duties were reduced this year, as his self-appointed title of Sleep Companion was rescinded when he could not maintain his position at the foot of the bed and instead kept attempting to make himself into a fur hat for Management’s head. Cat is also in charge of monitoring the static electricity levels for the household, making sure that it still exists every time a TV is turned off or that the newly-dry clothes have some in the dryer.
Cat’s Strengths
Cat has really taken his race-training to new levels this year. Management admires his dedication to sprint training even when it’s two o’clock in the morning. He is also very good at communicating feedback with loud purring and insistent or angry yelling about situations that are not to his liking.
Room for Improvement
Cat should consider wearing a watch or learning to tell time. Even though his daily compensation is doled out at promptly five o’clock in the evening, Cat starts demanding said compensation as early as two or three o’clock. This is distracting and annoying to Management.
Compensation/Bonus
Because Cat’s duties have been reduced during the year, Cat is not eligible for an annual bonus. Because Cat developed a weird habit mid-year of pooping on the laundry room floor, Cat’s raise has already been used on Oxy-clean products.
Dog
Dog’s Duties and Accomplishments for 2008
As Official Security Detail for the office, Dog does an excellent job of alerting Management when anything is even slightly out of place. It has, however, been expressed that perhaps Dog could learn to adjust her notifications according to the threat level so that similar frenzies are not enacted upon the visit of a mass murderer vs. a stray leaf or kitten. Regardless of whether or not this is possible, though, we all appreciate the sentiment.
Dog’s Strengths
The garden tomato crop this year was exceptional, and we have Dog to thank for keeping it clear of squirrels. Management thought this feat was worthy of extra compensation if it were not for the fact that Dog took it upon herself to consume the garden sweetpea crop. Dog also excels at her self-appointed duty of knowing where Cat is at all times. And while Cat has brought this up with HR on many occasions, Management finds it entertaining and does not require it to end. Last but not least, Management has been very impressed with Dog’s kangaroo impression.
Room for Improvement
While Management is hesitant to interfere in the personal habits of employees, there has been concern about Dog’s personal hygiene habits, namely that she smells like feet…all the time. There would not be so much concern if she did not insist upon napping/watching for pigeons in Management’s favorite chair, even though it has been expressed that she should not-so-much be in that chair.
Compensation/Bonus
Dog received her bonus early in the form of a ham bone, but with the ensuing puking and re-eating of said bonus, Management is considering scratching the entire bonus system altogether. As for regular compensation, because Management has been guilted into purchasing ridiculously expensive dog food, Management already feels like Dog is over-compensated.
Please place your paw-prints at the bottom of these evaluations for the record. Thank you for postponing your respective naps. Now back to work.
